Felipe (my sitemate) is at the end of his Peace Corps service and just wrote this gem about our town, Mandiana. I absolutely HAD to post this for you to enjoy. He's a hilarious writer and as shocking and crude as the following accounts may sound, it's all true.
The Wanton Fowl Guide: Mandiana
by Felipe Munoz
I could not leave my post without attempting to write a new tour guide for Mandiana, which was suspiciously left out of The Rough Guide and Lonely Planet. Of course, in and around Mandiana might be a more appropriate designation, or often Guinea in general. I have decided to name this guide after our beloved Guinea fowl, whose sweet intonations remind of us of wasted talent and unintelligent design.
Aromatic Promenades
Just as the patriarch longs for those who squatted to defecate near the "Hindu market" in Gabo's insomniac autumn, the avenue of public defecations in Mandiana even has its explosions of joy - or poop street trumpets, in another turn of phrase. These professional poopers are mostly children - as children are useless, therefore, the practice does not really exist. This creative toiletry seems less absurd every time I drink bissap, the most delicious drink that will make diarrhea a lifestyle.
The Public is Well- Informed
I once asked for the local news on territorial disputes in Niani, on the Malian border. I received stories about sorcerers with mirrors, slaughtering entire regiments. On another occasion the tale of Lansana Conte's wife was related to me. Legend has it that she opened a cannibalistic suitcase, with sundry fetishes inside, and went "folle...de" (basically she became a cuckoo-bat, looking for gold in the most secret of suitcases). I have been asked whether cows and ducks exist in America, and if we are able to see the stars in the sky; although my initial answer would be "no", I am still open to the possibility of cows, ducks and stars existing in my own country.
Nightly Film Festivals Offer the Finest
Silvester Stalone fans will be reassured that the propaganda has replaced reality. Many Guineans crowd into huts to watch DVDs banned for bad taste from the West: Now Rambo is the proto-type of Western culture. When you are a Westerner you have the privilege of immunity to bullets, and creating explosions on the most impossible occasions.
Exotic Transportation Options
The display of at least one Osama Bin Laden or Madonna sticker (or both facing each other) on the back of a bush taxi is more crucial than tires or floorboards. Doors have never been necessary, but know that your driver and apprentices care about safety - on one occasion my door was hammered, quite literally (with a hammer, no joke), into place, after attempts to tie it with, you guessed it, rubber. I have never been trained in auto-repair, but I am willing to guess that hammering on the engine is an unconventional method of restarting a stalled vehicle. In other countries, sometimes food is served on air-conditioned buses, in Zambia, for example. We are a little more extreme and eco-friendly in our en route alimentary and climatic luxuries. You can be vomited upon by children in the back or grandmothers sitting next to you, and you will be surprised at how quickly rocks and dirt can be mistaken for bursts of ac.
Free Zoos and Public Parks
No civilization today could be authenticated without a zoo. Zoos in Mandiana are limited to a few interactive options: goats and sheep eating trash, and overactive monkeys tied to mango trees. Again, continued from the first section, a park is not exactly where you sit down and enjoy a picnic. We would need to redefine it, but in terms of sitting, you do squat to leave organic traces of your past, or what has passed through you. If there is a Defense d'uriner sign anywhere near the park, it actually means the contrary - urinate here as you will. The goats and sheep from the zoo will show up later to keep the parks as clean as they can by recycling the public's charity. Communal life has never been more Utopian.
Public Welfare and Tolls
Corruption is really quite progressive, if I might try to persuade some of you. Wearing a military uniform or several different types of uniforms with all combinations of mixed ranks (my favourite option includes discordant epaulets, which might stripe the soldier a general on the left shoulder, and an aerobics instructor on the right) means that you can operate a toll both anywhere, even when anywhere is in the middle of nowhere. If your identification is in English, the soldiers will pretend to read it and then possibly fine you for improper luggage storage, if you are lucky, as sacks of rice into the air and two goat heads peering out from below is a safety hazard worth paying for.
Mobilized Yorgurt
According to reports from some of our most savvy journalists, a man from the forest rides around on a bicycle with a cooler strapped to the back full of yogurt. He is from the forest, which is apparently a qualification to understand the principles of on-the-go refrigeration. I have yet to benefit from this convenient door-to-door yogurt.
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